The Lich and the Elephant

   Huthak the barbarian is having brunch with Rausche the druid and Grimbald the thief at a lovely establishment called The Priestess and the Sorcerer. They are busy discussing the crazy things that some of their comrades have done as of late, detailed in my previous post: Descent Into Malbolge. The three are trying to decide if these guys are uncanny mavericks, or just, y’know, insane.

   Suddenly, whoosh, a djinn appears right next to their table.

   The other patrons are flabbergasted, and some even fall down to their knees. “Three wishes! Three wishes!” they plead. To which the djinn replies, “It’s never been three wishes – I’ve been saying this for hundreds of years – it is three dishes. I am a chef, you see. My name is Prospero Sharma. They call me the Cook of the Gods. I cook for Queen Titania, for Corellon Larethian, and sometimes for Bahamut, the platinum dragon.”

   The djinn orders everybody out, except for Huthak, Rausche, and Grimbald. He tells the three that he desperately needs their help. He says, “My elephant, Spark, has been taken by a malevolent jerk who calls himself Zarr. This guy is a world-class nutcase. His real name is Bardish Dong. He’s a puny magic-user, like, not that powerful. He’s been cursed with a skull head, and decided to use that to his advantage by creating a whole new persona for himself, and pretending to be a lich. He found an old crown, wears bone white gloves, and dresses in ancient, tattered robes. And he changed his name to Zarr the lich. But he is not a lich. He is an ordinary magic-user, and really not that strong. His major assets are two magic items: a Wand of Teleportation, and a Censer of Controlling Fire Elementals. He made his lair inside mount Igrá, a volcano, and attracted a few elementals to do his bidding. The rest is just gullible Humans and credulous Drows and Troglodytes who really believe to be in the service of an actual lich.”

   “Why us?” asks the barbarian.

   “I am, alas, allergic to magic items,” says Prospero, “and since the three of you don’t carry any such items, you are the perfect candidates: I’ll be able to carry you through the air, to mount Igrá, and then inside the wormholes of living fire that crisscross the core of that volcano, all the way to Zarr’s Sanctum. But once we get to where this faux lich keeps my poor old Spark, you’re gonna be on your own. Zarr knows my weakness – and scatters magic items around his lair. I will be powerless in there; you shall have to defeat Zarr’s followers and free my elephant all by yourselves. I am told that whenever a battle seems lost, Zarr uses this damn Wand of Teleportation and flees the scene.”

   “But what’s in it for us?” enquires the druid.

   The djinn answers, “As I said before, I can grant you three dishes. The Dish of Strength, the Dish of Agility, and the Dish of Fortitude. Each dish will improve your physical abilities differently, and the effects on mortals can remain for up to a year and a half. I can only prepare one Dish of Strength per year, and only one Dish of Agility, and only one Dish of Fortitude. You decide between yourselves who gets to consume which meal. Bring your own wine!”

   Prospero conjures up a life-sized image of Spark. “This is who you’re looking for. He is very dear to my heart. Please, bring him back to me.”

   Children looking in through the window. “There’s an elephant in the room!” they whisper.

   The three adventurers accept the mission. The djinn can transport up to three Human-sized beings with him through air and through fire; since Grimbald is a Gnome, and rather small, Prospero is also able to bring along Rausche’s dog.

   After a twenty-minute flight, they get to the volcano. The steep, jagged slopes of mount Igrá are dotted with dozens of cave-mouths. Raging fire comes out of every single one of those caves...

   Prospero chooses one entrance and flies right into the flames, still carrying the awed Huthak, Grimbald, and Rausche. The dog, obviously, is freaking out. And yet, none of them even feel the fire’s heat – and nobody takes any damage.

   They emerge from the fiery wormhole in some sort of central, bottleneck room. A welcoming committee is already there: a fire elemental, and 6 Troglodytes. The djinn releases the PCs from his magical embrace, and proceeds to take care of the elemental. The PCs are left to fight the Trogs: 5 of them charge directly towards Huthak, but the sixth is just a very old Troglodyte elder who stays behind and bellows orders to his valiant “sons.”

   As soon as the battle appears to be lost, that old Trog flees through the next fire-gate.

   Five minutes later, the PCs and the djinn once again zip through those complicated wormholes of fire. Suddenly, Prospero is jumped by two more elementals! He has no choice but to throw the two Humans, the Gnome and the dog out of a random gate. The PCs end up in a funny place where “candidates” have to subject themselves to various “tests” in order to become “Agents of Zarr.” This is a scene I stole from Patrick Rothfuss. Love you, Viari!

   The receiving clerk in the test room was a coffer corpse named Bitar. He had nothing but positive things to say about Zarr. The “lich” apparently treats all of his employees and agents very decently: they even have an after-death pension plan!

   Having vanquished the elementals who attacked him inside the wormhole, an exhausted Prospero comes back after ten minutes. “I’ve located the Sanctum,” he says. “Spark is there: I can feel his presence!”

   The druid takes a few more minutes to meditate, regaining his spells, and then they say farewell to Bitar the coffer corpse, and barrel down one last winding, blazing wormhole. As soon as they emerge within Zarr’s Sanctum, they see the elephant standing in front of a noxious fountain of reddish liquid. Right behind the unresponsive animal is a mammoth pile of dung.

   As I prepped this set piece, I honestly wondered if the players would see right through my bluff; because, of course, that is not a pile of elephant dung – it’s a black pudding!

   None of the players suspected anything. There IS a god for Dungeon Masters!

   The Sanctum’s floor is covered with magic items: daggers, swords, spears, hammers, shields, helmets, talismans, amulets, rings, bracers, gauntlets et al. Two hooded cultists lurk in the shadows, and Zarr himself stands further away on a tribune, flanked by a Drow bodyguard. Huthak the barbarian immediately spots an assassin hidden near the top of one of the Sanctum’s pillars. Everyone rolls initiative.

   The party targets the assassin first: Rausche casts entangle on her, and both Huthak and Grimbald loose their arrows. Prospero stays by the fire-gate, and vomits purple smoke with gold speckles inside of it. Way too many magic items…

   Zarr laughs hysterically. “Look at the great Prospero – the Cook of the Gods – puking his magical guts like there is no tomorrow!”

   The “lich” casts mirror image on himself. One cultist casts magic missile on Grimbald. Rausche casts obscuration on himself. The other cultist moves forward, curved dagger in hand.

   When the assassin falls from her perch, the PCs advance towards the cultists – but then they are surprised from behind by the black pudding. Nobody saw it coming. It was awesome.

   Rausche heard a telepathic voice that seemed to be coming from one beautiful hammer lying amongst the innumerable other items. “Pick me! Pick me!” says the whispering voice. Hesitantly, the druid picks up the hammer. “Now, use me to strike an enemy: you’ll see what happens!” Rausche starts clobbering the black pudding. The hammer is +3 and indeed inflicts decent damage. Still, the druid has to take a break and cast cure light wounds on himself after being lashed at by the ’pudding for 14 damage.

   One cultist jumps across the room in an attempt to stab the prone, helpless djinn, but Huthak finishes the sneaky bastard with an arrow. Grimbald kills the second cultist in good old-fashioned melee. After that, a Trog emerges from around the corner, and Zarr’s Drow bodyguard steps down from the tribune in order to join the fight. Huthak and Grimbald face off against Trog and Drow while Rausche and his dog continue to hit that virulent black pudding. Zarr blasts the barbarian with two magic missiles, and then casts stinking cloud on Grimbald. Huthak takes 8 damage: he’s unimpressed. The Gnome aces his Save, tumbling out of the stinking cloud unharmed and in great style.

   When Huthak cuts down the Trog, Zarr uses his Wand to teleport the hell out of there – but his three mirror images remain on that tribune, silently laughing in unison.

   Bodyguard and black pudding are both finished by the end of the following round. The party is victorious!

   For the next half an hour, they carry all those magic items in the far corner of the Sanctum, and eventually the djinn can feel a little bit better. He gets everybody out of the volcano: one trip for the PCs, and then another trip for the elephant. Since Rausche had picked up a cursed weapon and could no longer let go of it, Prospero was unable to carry him out of mount Igrá himself. I had to do some last-minute DMing aerobatics there. Prospero summoned his sous-chef – another djinn. It was much easier than to keep Rausche a prisoner within mount Igrá for several weeks and force him to become a reluctant Agent of Zarr.

   Everyone got back to the inn. Prospero said, “I am a djinn of my word. Get yourselves the best table here, and gimme two hours. I’ll be back with your three dishes. In the meanwhile, here’s the menu!”

The Dish of Agility

Zesty Sphinx stew with Twin Paradises carrots, turnips, and cabbage, served with Arvandor bread made from Corellon Larethian’s own crops.

The Dish of Fortitude

Slow-cooked Blue Dragon short ribs with Elysian garlic and molasses, served with assorted char-grilled Seven Heavens greens and Feywild croutons.

The Dish of Strength

Ki-rin tartare à la Baklunish with Arcadian royal jelly and roasted Gladsheim spinach and beet salad.

*

   The barbarian chose to eat the Dish of Strength. His 16 STR is going up to 17 for the next year and a half.

   The druid chose the Dish of Fortitude. His 16 CON goes up one point – and it’s gonna boost his Hit Points.

   The thief chose the Dish of Agility. His 18 DEX is temporarily going up to 19. This is awesome. What D&D character wouldn’t seize the opportunity to get one of his stats over 18, even if it’s only for a few games?

   Zarr will be back. Liches always want their revenge!